If You Have a “Jennifer Granholm Is Full-of-Shit” Joke, Now Might Be a Good Time
Jennifer Granholm had emergency surgery to remove a blockage in her anus. Or something. Reports state Mike Bishop was successfully removed and is said to be recovering nicely.
Boyd said Granholm, 49, first started feeling ill on Sunday, the day she attended the NAACP Freedom Fund dinner in Detroit and left quickly after a speech by the Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
Also funny.
Topics: health, granholm, Department of Things We Already Knew | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymMonica Conyers Scolds 8th Graders For Their Lynch-Mob Mentality, Not Keeping It Real
Kieera Bell = hero. Normally, being smarter than Monica Conyers entitles you to nothing more than early release from the mental ward. But she is after all, like, I dunno, 12? Watch for the best part – kids snickering behind Monica Conyers back. They work for the Detroit Free Press. I’m sure of it.
Topics: detroit, city council, Dept. of Keeping It Real | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymWe Sure Hope You Bought that Toilet
Tiger Stadium is going buh-bye. Seriously. Just heard it today. On the news and everything. So it has to be true.
But before anyone does anything hasty…
...are we SURE we can’t find another purpose for a 50,000 seat baseball stadium? There has to be something we could use a 50,000 seat baseball stadium for. I mean, we’ve been thinking about it for almost 10 years. Is that long enough?
So, let’s wait, and be pretty darn sure we’ve thought this through. Because if we tear down that 50,000 seat baseball stadium, we’ll only have ONE 40,000 seat baseball stadium left in town. And we should probably have a back up or something.
- Contract awarded for Tiger Stadium demolition [Freep]
- Tiger Stadium: Get Yours Before the Wrecking Ball Does [GD]
- Discuss [GD]
Topics: detroit, tiger stadium, Department of Things We Already Knew | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymNo-Brainers Be Hard For Detroit
Anyone who has ever read this site knows I heart choo-choos. Because they allow for a work commute filled with marginally productive crap like newspaper reading, coffee drinking and out-to-five a.m.-the-night-before hang-over sleeping. Oddly, this is somehow how more enjoyable than forty-five minutes of pothole/inconsiderate asshole dodging.
Sure, I tried busses once. But they almost killed me with their evil stereotypes and general prudent financial sensibility-ing.
Anyway, I’ve lived in San Francisco (not gay) and Chicago, and you haven’t. Which means I know a thing or two – and you don’t. So it is without argument when I say to you – this train thing, is a good thing.
But I’ve lived here long enough to know many people won’t believe this. They’ll say dim, unintelligent, garbled shit like, “wasting money on trains is for people in functioning cities,” “people in Detroit aren’t smart enough to ride trains,” “nothing works in Detroit because I can’t possibly imagine anything remotely more creative than dropping a morning biscuit in a McDonalds restroom.”
But I understand. I do. You live in Detroit. You grew up in Detroit. Your whole life you’ve been conditioned to believe shit don’t work here like it does everywhere else in the known universe. You blame everyone but yourself. And black people.
But trust me when I say this to you: Relax. It’s going to be okay. If hating trains means that much to you, you won’t have to ride them. Cuz you’ll have that choice.
- Rail proposal a ‘first step’ [News]
- Plan takes shape for travel by light-rail [Freep]
- Big Transit News Would Mean Big Things for Woodward Corridor [ModelD]
- Building Up Stereotypes: Mass Transit [GD]
- Discuss [Forums]
Topics: mass transit, detroit | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymAP: No Man Is An Ocean, Or A City
On Friday, at a regional summit meeting, Kwame uttered these words:
Topics: Princess, Kilpatrick | No Comments »
Posted By: E.M.WV: Win Tickets: The New Pornographers
The New Pornographers are playing The Crofoot next Thursday (with Okkervil River). This is a pretty big deal since they haven’t performed here since releasing last year’s Challengers, not to mention Twin Cinema is one of your favorite albums ever — so I know you want to go. And I know you don’t want to pay, because paying for music is so last century
Topics: to do, webvomit | No Comments »
Posted By: jasperThe Kwame Illegal Defense Fund: Breaking Open Cookie Jars Since March 27th, 2008!
Today, March 27th, 2008, the Super Friends of Detroit Kwame Kilpatrick launched an innernet, charged with the Herculaen effort of protecting Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick from his long-time evil nemessis, Kwame Kilpatrick.
AND BONUS! You too can become a Super Friend! No super powers required! Just a fist full of KWAME DOLLARS.
The lies pitch:
Dear Friends and Supporters:As you may be aware, the Wayne County prosecutor has brought unprecedented charges of perjury against Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick arising out of events that occurred over FIVE FREAKING YEARS AGO! So, doesn’t count! Anyway, without your money to keep Kwame Kilpatrick in office, he’ll likely go to jail and stuff. And if Kwame’s in jail, he’ll totally be unable to steal anymore of your money. Because HE WONT BE OFFICE!. You see what we’re getting at here? I KNOW, FUCKED UP, RIGHT?
So anyway, you almost gotta help. Win/Win for everybody!
The Super Friends waisted no time assembling a who’s-who of Kwame Kilpatrick BFF’s: Former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown, some former electrician, a guy from the neighborhood, and TEEVEE STAR Judge Greg Mathis.
Unforch, in the end Judge Greg Mathis was unable to join – despite being listed as a supporter last night – as he was unable to reschedule a date with his conscience:
“I was contacted Wednesday afternoon (March 26, 2008) by Mayor Kilpatrick. He asked if I could serve on his legal defense committee. I informed him I support due process, but I could not support him.“This is the same type of deceit that has plunged our city into a deep crisis,” Mathis’s statement continued. “Not only do I not support him, but I recommend he resign so the city can heal and move forward.”
So, oops.
- Mayor Kilpatrick to get legal defense funding [News]
- Judge Mathis calls for mayor’s resignation, says he’s not supporter [Freep]
- Detroit Injustice Fund [DIF]
- Discuss [Forums]
Topics: detroit, law, internet, Kilpatrick | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymKwame Kilpatrick Wins! Because He Says So!
Waaaay back in the 2001, Kwame Kilpatrick knew all the answers. And like all good Boy Kings, he did himself some decreeing. And all was deemed GOOD. On the seventh day, he bought hookers.
One particular piece of paper Kwame decreed all over told everyone, everywhere, FOREVER, that City owned pagers/computers/SEX TEXT MACHINES are NOT private, and therefore subject to the prying eyes of $700/hour white people. So, AVOID!
Fast forward to 2008. Kwame says forget all that. Cuz, by new decree or something, that rule/law/loophole-to-exploit now only applies to office porn. And by “office porn”, he means all porn/police-firings/general-underhanded-shit NOT involving Kwame Kilpatrick.
So, yeah.
Topics: sex, Kilpatrick, Department of Things We Already Knew | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymKwame and Beatty On Mad, Murderous Rampage! Lock Doors! Track Them Live!
Luckily, the Detroit Police saw this madness coming. So they installed one of those interactive crime doohickeys in the innernets. All so the peoples of Detroit lacking an elected office to hide behind can watch their own back.
Just think, burglary, larceny, auto theft, TEXT SEX, cop firings! All within a scant 1/2 mile of my home!
I think I see the CNN!
So, before you head outside, fellow Detroiters, check the map. You just never know if there will be a Kwame or Beatty squatting behind a park tree. Ready to kill you and everything with their mad text messaging skillz.
- Find Kwame NOW! Before he finds YOU! [Detroit Crime View]
- Discuss
Topics: detroit, law, Kilpatrick | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymRoughly Five Percent Of Detroiters Still In Coma
By now you are all fully aware that our mayor, AND YOURS, Kwame Kilpatrick, gave a KICK-ASS 5 minute long tirade State of the City address last night. And by now, you should also know, he unburied that oh-so heinous unmentionable – but very useful when used for political purposes – word he told us he buried here in Detroit last summer. MORE LIES!
But it wasn’t all lies. Because, you know what? Damn that media is RIGHT! Always killing his children, AND YOURS, over, and over, and over again. Such LYNCHY carnage.
And damn those Carmen Harlans, Steve Wilsons, Ben Baileys, and Mort Crims - always calling the Mayor names and being big meanies! And with ZERO FACTS even! Christ! Somebody had to say it! Bill Bonds has gone too far this time.
Anyway, wasn’t all bad. During his warm-up 55 minute pre-speech, there were some pretty good ideas. Shame no one will ever hear them. Oh, well. Always next year.
Oh, and if Eliot Spitzer ever needs another job, Detroit may have an opening.
- Embattled Detroit Mayor Accuses Media, Opponents of ‘Lynch Mob Mentality’ [FOX]
- Detroit Mayor Lashes Out at Foes, Media [ABC]
- The Unscripted Five [Click on Detroit]
- Thank Gawd for YouTube. Changing EVERYTHING [YouTube]
- Discuss [Forums]
Topics: media, detroit, Kilpatrick, regionalism | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymLive Blogging A Train Wreck: Kwame Kilpatrick’s State Of Kwame Kilpatrick Address
Yes, yes. You know the drill.
7:00: Is thing really going to last ONE HOUR?! How many women did he sleep with and/or have murdered?
7:01: Oh, Carmen Harlan. I saw her at Eastern Market on Saturday. She has freckles.
7:02: Not going to resign….
7:03: Standing Ovation. How many women can one man fit in a room?
7:04: “Sit the Fuck Down!”
7:04: Already with the race card? I had it pegged at 5 minutes. Also, BOMBS!
7:05: “Kwame Kilpatrick Roller Coaster Ride”? Is that on Belle Isle? Sounds whorey.
7:09: QUICKEN! HUDSONS! FORT SHELBY! NEW YORK TIMES!
7:14 All sorts of things are happening. All of them TONIGHT, apparently!
7:15: GOD?
7:16: Boring.
7:17: “We’re going to talk about what’s on everyone’s minds…..” HERE WE GO!
Topics: detroit, Kilpatrick, Department of Things We Already Knew | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymTens of Angry Detroiters Set to Cheer Kwame’s Never-Impending Departure With Adapted Shoe Slogan
Tonight Detroit Mayor Kwame “I Didn’t Do It” Kilpatrick will give us lies! his 7th annual State of the City address at Orchestra Hall. You are not invited. Unless, that is, you love yerself some Kwame Kilpatrick. Even then, you better have handed over lots of money and/or killed an annoying stripper on the verge of pressing charges against his wife. Otherwise, there’s always this:
MASS PROTEST - At the “State of the City” address TONIGHT!!
Outside of Orchestra Hall the nite of 3/11/08, rally starts at 6:00 pm. Wear a white t-shirt over your jacket with the words JUST GO! printed on it. This one’s for real, folks..be there or be apathetic. Bring friends, bring cameras, bring picket signs, or just bring yourself..it’s time for the citizens to be heard.PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! Copy & paste this information EVERYWHERE! Get the word out in any way you can.
Off the top of my head, we’re guessing over/under 15 people – making a difference and all that. On the plus side, all those white t-shirts should really piss off Barbara Rose-Collins!
More Fun:
- King Kwame – Dictator of Detroit
- Myspace Kwame
- Kwame Kilpatrick…Superdelegate! [American Princess]
- What the Mayor Won’t Say Tonight [Freep]
- Why the World Hates Kwame Kilpatrick [Boyce Blog]
Topics: detroit, barbara rose collins, Kilpatrick | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymBlowout Thursday
FROM WEBVOMIT.COM – The perfect way to kick off Hamtramck’s portion of Blowout: A band I’ve never seen before. A band I hadn’t planned on seeing. A band performing in front of seven people. A band that blew me away. I had listened to a bit of The Darts‘ MySpace stuff. It was decent. I’ll admit it didn’t excite me, it didn’t make me feel like it was something I had to see. MySpace is the worst.
Topics: webvomit, Blowout | No Comments »
Posted By: jasperMichigan Do-Over…?
Topics: Princess, Michigan, 2008 | No Comments »
Posted By: E.M.Just Words
Topics: webvomit, shows | No Comments »
Posted By: jasperNew Secret Empire Purchases Cold Dead Carcass of Old Secret Empire - Tickets On Sale Now!
For Sale: For only two-hundred and twenty-odd thousands of dollars in back taxes, you too can own* your very own secret society in the heart of Detroit’s Cass Corridor.Perfect for that always on-the-move fraternity set. Why sacrifice crunked out sorority girls on old bar tables constructed of scrap wood in stanky basements awash in neon glow Jimmie Hendrix posters, when you can do your virginal consecrating in style on classy marble with built-to-suit ornately decorated sacrificial chambers?
Anyway, sale includes a complete set of late sixteenth century steak knives for all your ritualistic death and shadowy ruling the world with absolute power needs.
Mike Ilitch blah, God, blah, King, blah, blah, blah…
Topics: Mike Ilitch, Dept. of Selling Out to da Man | 2 Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymTo-Do: Stay Awake
Sometime after midnight tonight, you should do this. Sure, you’ll be snuggly and safely tucked into your couch, those infomercials promising you a better knife/bed/sponge/life will be emmitting warm glances that dance like an old friend around your living room, so it will probably be hard. Very, very hard. But do try.
Besides, this Enchilada band look very much like the Hard Lessons.
Topics: to do | No Comments »
Posted By: ImaPseudonymWV: DB,VD,ED
FROM WEBVOMIT.COM – For those of you who can’t get invites to private torrent trackers, are too paranoid to use public trackers, and still haven’t figured out how the internet works, the lovely fellow who’s been hilariously and blatantly posting download links to the newest leaked albums is giving some How To Find Shit Lessons about…you know, finding shit.
Topics: internet, webvomit | No Comments »
Posted By: jasper